My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 22 A

January 2014

7 weeks pregnant and my first scan

*Trigger warning for pregnancy loss, please read with care*

I don’t have any more diary posts to refer to from this point onwards but what happened will be forever etched into my memory.

I left work early with giddy excitement and drove to the clinic where I met my mum.

One of the nurses I knew well was scanning me, it would be a vaginal scan at 7 weeks pregnant, the plan was to confirm a viable pregnancy and then they would discharge me from their care on to the local community midwives. I’d already booked the appointment with my midwife for later that week and was really looking forward to meeting her and making it official.

I was quite used to internal ultrasound scans now so hopped on the bed and relaxed my legs into the accepted position. The room was so quiet and I held my breath waiting for confirmation that all was well,

But that reassurance never came.

The seconds expanded into minutes and the walls contracted in around me as the nurse adjusted the probe around to get a better picture, but I already knew something wasn’t right. She placed a hand on my knee and said “I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat”

I wanted to jump up off the couch and run as fast as I could away from that place, back to before I’d heard those words.

The nurse went on to say that baby was measuring just 2 days behind so it looked as though they’d died just days ago and I hadn’t realised.

How could I not know my baby had died?

I’d still been talking to them every day, playing them audio books every night and dreaming of our life together.

Surely I should have realised 😒

The nurse rang the Early Pregnancy Unit and made me an appointment the next day while I put my underwear and tights back on (that image is so clear in my mind, I wonder why my memory decided to hold onto that?)

My mum wanted to drive me home but I just wanted to retreat and hibernate and pretend it wasn’t happening. I drove myself home despite her protestations, got into my bed, buried myself under the covers and cried and cried.

I asked my mum to tell everyone what had happened as I couldn’t bear to say the words aloud, or even write the words down, it would have made it true and I couldn’t bear that.

That night I hugged my belly one last time and talked to my baby.

I often think about how my experience of loss may have differed because I was doing this without a partner. In many ways I think it was easier for me. All I wanted to do was cut myself off from the world. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for a partner in this situation, feeling cut off and unable to help, while also carrying the burden of their own grief too.

I know my parents and family grieved as well, and my friends were so supportive but I was able to be selfish in my grief. In the days that followed I’d spend hours doing nothing but blindly watching Miss Marple episodes while making jigsaw puzzles or colouring in, anything to keep my mind occupied with unimportant stuff.

I could be selfish in my grief as I had been selfish in my love and I didn’t have to worry about anyone else.

This story continues but for now I want to pause just there:

Most of you lovely readers who follow me on Instagram or who’ve read my profile will know how my story ends but there’s still so much that’s been written in between.

I’ll be continuing the story of my 1st baby and my 1st miscarriage in my next blog post but for those that don’t want to read please feel free to jump ahead (it’s important to protect yourself if you’re feeling vulnerable at the moment). I’ll be filling in the next part of my journey soon.

My stories of loss, longing and of trying for a baby on my own are so intertwined my posts will likely always contain an element of the three but I will try and keep the topics separate where possible to allow those following my my solo mother by choice Journey to jump ahead if needed and vice versa.

For tonight I’m thinking of all of you who’ve lost babies

Sending love to you all and blowing kisses to the night sky to all our babies gone too soon but loved so much ✨

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My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 21

6 weeks pregnant

I’m totally obsessed! All I can think about is babies and baby things!

I’ve been looking at prams and baby changing bags and I’ve started a folder on my home screen full of baby items I like.

I don’t have any obvious symptoms but I randomly threw up in the car this week! Is this the start of morning sickness? How exciting! (yes I know that sounds ridiculous πŸ˜‚)

Baby is currently the size of a pea

I’ve bought some ginger biscuits because that’s what you do when pregnant πŸ˜‚

My 7 week scan is booked for the 23rd January at my clinic, not long now 😬

My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 20

I’m 5 weeks pregnant and I’ve been checking out this teeny baby’s progress every day.

The Tommy’s website says:

It’s week five and your baby’s tiny face is already starting to form – the beginnings of a tiny nose and eyes are already taking shape.

My baby has a face already πŸ‘ΆπŸ» πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-week-by-week/5-weeks-pregnant-whats-happening

I’ve been keeping a spreadsheet of baby names for years but this week I brush it off and start looking at names with more purpose.

I have so many names for girls and only a couple for boys so far.

I’ve worked out my due date to be the 11th September 2014. I’d hoped for a September baby and can’t quite believe my dream might actually come true ☺️

My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 19

January 2nd 2014

The Two Week Wait becomes the Three Week Wait

So it seems this fertility business is all about being patient ⏳. I phoned my clinic this morning to tell them the good news. They are delighted and they book me in for a scan in three weeks times when baby will be 7 weeks gestation.

They tell me to take progesterone suppositories as my luteal phase is short (that’s the second half of my cycle) which may suggest a low progesterone level.

I’ve never given myself a suppository before although as a nurse I’ve given plenty! But it’s surprising what you’ll do if it’s important enough for you!

My baby is the size of a poppy seed .

I’m so distracted at work! I want to tell the everyone I’m pregnant, I want to shout it from the roof tops and broadcast it on the radio! I settle for telling my one office buddy!

My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 18

New Years Eve

I tested again today and the second line was darker which is really reassuring.

What an amazing present for the new year!

I go to one of my cousin’s houses for a New Years Eve Party and have an amazing time dancing and singing despite being totally sober. One of my cousins pops a party popper in my face and it makes me jump out of my skin. I immediately feel really protective of my little dot of a baby and hug my tummy protectively. Im already totally in love πŸ’“

Here’s are some of the first photos of me pregnant from New Years Eve 2013 πŸŽ‰

Me and my cousins x

My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 17

30th Dec 2013

Can you see them!!!

Very faint but there are two lines?

Ive just phoned my mum, text my best friends and messaged my smbc friend, she asked how I felt and when I was due, I hadn’t even worked that out yet!

By IUI date I’ll be due on the 11th September 2014! It feels really scary saying that. Scared as in terrified of things going wrong but I also feel really positive about everything πŸ™‚

I walk into town, although it feels like I’m floating, to buy another test. I am absolutely terrified it will have become negative already and I feel sick waiting for the results to flash up.

How will I tell people I was wrong if it comes up negative

But I am ecstatic to see it written in words

PREGNANT 1-2 weeks

I actually feel like I’m glowing.

I’m sure people can guess just by looking at me!

My Journey to Solo Motherhood: The First Year- Episode 16

HPTs

28th Dec 2013

10 days post IUI and I’m going completely crazy! I did a home pregnancy test (HPT) test this morning which was negative. I expected that as it’s really too early but I couldn’t help myself.

I’m still disappointed and am now googling pregnancy test statistics.

I’ve been taking my BBT (basal body temperature, my temperature in the morning as soon as I wake up and before getting out of bed). It dipped a couple of days ago and has risen since which is a good sign but it’s not an accurate measurement so it could mean anything.

I’m feeling really rather anxious now. It is all I can think about and I’m filled with a mix of terror and excitement. It’s a good job I’m not working as there is no way I could concentrate on anything.

I’m going to go to bed early, the earlier I go to sleep the quicker tomorrow morning will come and I can do another test with my first morning urine (FMU).

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